a comic about my druid character. about loss, truth and change
a comic about becoming
In light of the Big Bang Theory being cancelled I am reminiscing about the time we invented that game of muting it every time we didn’t think the show deserved the laugh track and mum came in and yelled at us because she thought we were breaking the TV
“Now I’m not gonna pretend I know what a ‘Kingdom Hearts’ or an ‘Organization XIII’ are, but if these Heartless don’t care for propane, then they’re no friend of mine.”
It occurs to me that while I may know what the red flags are when it comes to identifying when an online acquaintance may be a personality to keep at arm’s length, it isn’t general knowledge.
A person looking for a victim to abuse emotionally and mentally will typically go for the newest names and faces in the community – people who don’t have a network, who might be afraid to initiate contact with better known names and faces; people who will not be confident that they will be taken seriously if they were to talk about this often uncomfortable and sometimes deeply harmful experience inflicted on them. In short, people who are easily isolated.
So here is a brief suggestion of things that are red flags, especially when taken together. It is just my thoughts, and it is in no way exhaustive.
They are instantly your best friend
Yes, we all want to be friendly and warm to people we meet online. But someone who is looking for a victim, not a friend, will be your best friend. They’ll warn you about people you haven’t spoken to but might be peripherally aware of – there won’t often be any details, but you’ll be left with a nebulous feeling that this person is a bad person, or that person is mean for the hell of it. These people rely on you being so grateful to have someone to warn them about the potential trouble all around you online that you won’t question the fact that they are your only friend in this online community.
They have some tragedy they have to share with you straight away
Be it a personal tragedy, an intense family situation, or even their side of an online argument, they are the victim. Always the victim, they never did anything wrong. As before, they won’t produce links you can follow to see for yourself, or give many details about it. It’s all about creating an emotional connection they can manipulate later.
They are your biggest fan …
Everything you create is gold, there’s nothing you need to improve on, you’re the best writer/artist/creator they have ever come across and the fandom community is so lucky to have you, but …
… they need you to be theirs
Conversations turn often to them degrading themselves, their work, everything they create. They’re hungry for your praise, and you find yourself giving them praise and advice every single day. As you increase this level of warmth and encouragement, their own contribution fades to almost nothing. It is all about them, and because you are isolated, you feel stuck with them.
Suddenly, every little disagreement becomes an all out fight …
Even the smallest difference of opinion is met with furious hostility, and you find yourself scrambling to placate them, to reassure them that they are right, to keep your friend. You have to take all the blame, the full responsibility for whatever they have decided is wrong, and even then, you will end up logging off angry or in tears because of the language they have used.
… but everything is fine the next day
At least, it seems so on their end. You, on the other hand, are now edgy, walking on eggshells, unable to relax in conversation with them, wondering what will set them off next. At this point, you might start to branch out, to get to know other creators, but it soon becomes clear that if you want to continue doing this, you can never mention it to your “special friend”. It sets them off into that violently hostile temper all over again, every single time.
These are the behavioral markers that I have experienced, both in real life and online. People who display these will draw you in, isolate you from as many others as they can, and then will proceed to emotionally and mentally abuse you. Abuse includes threats of self-harm or suicide if they don’t get their way, subtle degradation of your own confidence in your abilities, even attempts to use personal details about your life to throw you off-balance (one example, that I experienced years ago – my nephew had just got his first girlfriend; this person did her damnedest to convince me that his girlfriend was only using him and that I should intervene, an action which, had I done it, would have resulted in isolating me from my own family).
If you notice more than one of these happening in conversations with people online, please don’t suffer it in silence. At the very least, tell someone else in the community what is happening. The only way to keep these things from continuing to happen is to be open and communicative about it. The more we talk to each other, the less these predators can pick and choose their victims. The damage they do is harsh and it lasts far longer than any of us want to believe.
We’re a community. If someone comes to you with concerns like this, listen to them. Please.
All of this. Here’s a really great article explaining six warning signs that you’re in an abusive ‘friendship’. Don’t do it to yourself. Cut out toxic people from your life. You are not responsible for their emotions and behaviour.
callanswall 