wait ok
before i feel too bad
i was gonna tell this story in a video bc i suspect itd be way funnier that way but my throats shot and idk if i will still remember this dream clearly later on, so:
this morning, just before i woke up, i had a dream i got purse-snatched while standing at the bus stop in a town i used to live in
i whirled around and saw the purse thief trying to sneak away
he was this tiny, weird-looking older guy– actually, he was p. much danny devito, wearing a weirdly tight lime green t-shirt, but i didnt recognize him as danny devito in my dream, so– i was like, “wtf a gnome is making off w my bag heck no” and i sorta lunged forward and grabbed him by the shoulder
he shook me off w surprising strength, pulled a knife– not a dangerous knife, a butter knife– out from…somewhere…started waving it menacingly at me, and shouting “how dare you! how dare you girl! you have interrupted me in my work. prepare to face the wrath of…THE TALON! you have angered The Talon!”
The Talon was apparently like his special crime name or something; in my dream i just automatically understood this fact and i guess maybe he was like a semi-well known crime guy bc i felt pretty dang intimidated right about then, although that mightve been the (butter) knife being waved at my face
so then i started apologizing and like trying to flee the encounter, i offered him the cash money in my wallet if hed just forget the whole thing and let me keep the rest of my stuff, i wouldnt mention him to anyone, i said
but he just would not calm down or back off
“its too late!” he said, and he stuck the butter knife between his teeth like a pirate in a movie. then he started doing…ok this is the bit where i wish i was acting it out for you bc its hard to describe. he started doing kind of these SLOW MOTION KUNG-FU MOVES in a circle around me. not actually touching me or moving to attack me in any way. just circling, mostly in an awkward crouch, and doing stuff with his arms. it wasnt even like kung-fu per se….what i mean is, it was clearly recognizable as the sort of thing little kids do when they have never taken a martial arts class of any kind but are pretending they know kung-fu/karate/whatever on the playground. and i was getting super freaked out by this, but the thing is, it was the specific kind of freak out i associate with, like, extreme embarrassment or awkwardness, not with being attacked or in physical danger or anything
and it wasnt on The Talons behalf i was still kinda impressed by him i think
it was bc id suddenly realized that this was, like. a specific type of semi-common social interaction that there were specific conventions or protocols for and i had no idea what to do. id just forgotten. it was like, anyone else wouldve known how to engage with The Talon at that point and fight him in a socially acceptable way so that, win or lose, she could get it over with and they could both just go home. but i was clueless, and i knew i was being super rude by making him keep circling me doing slow-mo fake kung-fu like that, and that he was prob. just getting more and more pissed off, but i COULDNT REMEMBER WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO. and i couldnt ADMIT i didnt know what i was supposed to do, either! The Talon might think i was a freak, or just amazingly pathetic!! it was a real problem. i was still agonizing over it when i woke up but im relieved i never got around to actually fighting The Talon anyway
its time to reblog THE TALON again >:3
newer followers, im proud to introduce you to the single most hilarious anxiety dream of my entire life (at least, that i remember and that’s been recorded on the internet)
(”your brain would have to work really hard to top that shit”– fer)
the talon
Published
callanswall 