I’ve had some things on my mind lately, a sort of mish-mash of thoughts, and I think it’d be good for me to get them down on paper (er—you know what I mean) and perhaps incite a discussion. This is one of those semi-serious posts, so if you’re just following for the comedy, feel free to skip this one.
So, I’m a girl. As far as I know, I’ve always been one, but I’ve never really put that at the front of my mind. When I was growing up, I knew girls and boys were different, but I didn’t think that meant we weren’t the same also. I never felt left out because of my gender, or like anyone was being unfair to me. I am a middle-class, white American, and that’s a pretty easy life to live.
I eventually discovered the internet, and when I joined TGWTG I was getting into a mostly-male site, in a profession that a lot of women have trouble getting into. That’s when I started feeling different. I’d hear quite a bit of “women can’t be funny.” And I’d never really thought about that. Yeah, I’m a woman, but why does that make my jokes any less humorous? Or I would hear comments about how hot or not I was, and it made me wonder, was that the point of my video? I’ve had comments about having too much makeup, or not enough, or needing a consistent look, or what color my hair should be, and all of this time, I’m thinking to myself, “What about my review? What about my work?” Because it seems to be some people’s mindsets that if you’re a woman you’re obligated to look attractive. If you don’t look good, who cares what you’re talking about?
I’m not saying I don’t want to look good, or feel attractive, or embrace being a woman. But I don’t want that to be all there is to me. And I certainly don’t see it nearly as frequently on a guy’s video. They can look how they want because they’re funny. Who cares what they look like? So why can’t it be the same for me?
There’s also a running gag on TGWTG that all of the guys are in love with me. This started with a joke on Nash’s show with Stickboy, but it really took off when Todd wanted it to be a continuous thing that he was stalking my character. And it was funny, it really was, because there was a joke there, and it was just as telling for his character as it was for mine. But somewhere along the line, everyone started using it, and it started becoming less about the joke and more about me being the “hot girl.” It also made people think that I was either terribly vain, or that was part of my character. I even got the comment that someone disliked me because “unlike everyone else, I don’t want to get into her pants.” All of a sudden, people were only watching me because they wanted to have sex with me. When did this happen?
I’ve never considered myself a hot girl. I’ve never really had a problem with how I look, but I’d rate myself pretty average. It’s just never been as important to me. So why am I suddenly the one with the “hot girl” privileges? I’ve had it too easy because I look good? I don’t understand where it comes from.
But I get that there are worse problems than looking good. It’s not really about people calling me out on how sexy or ugly I look. It’s because when people start to judge you for how you look, they stop seeing you as a person. If I can relate this to films for a moment, think about the last movie you saw in theaters. Who was the most prominent woman in the cast? Was she the love interest? Okay, now name me the last movie you saw where a woman wasn’t linked to any kind of romance. Name me a movie that doesn’t have a romance at all. That isn’t to say a romance can’t be entertaining, but I want a woman who is an actual character. There has to be something more to her. And if there IS something more to her, don’t make it about how sexy or independent she is. We got the right to vote a long time ago. It isn’t about women being allowed to be like the boys, it’s about women being allowed to be like everyone else.
For people who might be wondering just why I make such a big deal out of She-Wolf of London, here’s the primary thing: Randi is a real person. There is the romance aspect of the show, but the story isn’t just about that, and she’s not defined as a sexual character. She wears floppy clothes and big glasses, she trips over things, she has silly insecurities and quirks, and that’s what makes her so endearing to me. That’s what I think more movies, more shows need, is to write a woman as a character first and foremost. Obviously, this isn’t true for every form of media, but it is true for a majority of the things I see nowadays.
This is less true now that I’m dating Phelan, but I find it’s difficult to be friends with guys sometimes. Because there’s always this expectation there that it could go beyond what it is, and if there’s this rejection, there’s a chance he won’t talk to you again. And it’s so incredibly unfair, because if you won’t be their girlfriend, their one-night stand, their whatever, then we aren’t worth the time. It’s not that you aren’t good enough, guys, it’s that we shouldn’t feel obligated to date any guy who asks. I like your company, I think you’re awesome, I love hanging out with you. But I don’t want to be your girlfriend. And that’s okay.
I’m not a girl. I’m Allison. My gender is part of my identity, but it isn’t everything that I am. I want to be a woman, but I also want to be something more than that. I want to be me.
And you know what? I think I am.
I Don’t Want to Be Your Girlfriend, or How the Internet Taught Me About Women
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